A Year After Cacao — Reclaiming the Real Me
A year ago, I started drinking cacao every day—not just as a wellness trend, but as a spiritual path. Plant medicines have power. I believe that. Many would agree. Cacao helped me begin to reconnect with the version of myself I had lost somewhere along the way—the real me, the expressive me, the one who had been conditioned out of existence by family expectations, peer pressure, and the need to belong. And amazingly, got me off my anxiety meds FOREVER.
Looking back, I realize how often I morphed into whoever I thought I needed to be. I dated a boy who liked heavy metal, so I leaned into his world. Another one was more earthy and wore Birkenstocks—so I started dressing like that, too. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was trying on identities to be liked, accepted, and safe.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I think I came into this world loud, opinionated, expressive. But that didn’t go over well in my family. My mom used to say, "Sit like a lady," or, "Don’t brush your hair—or put on lip gloss—in public." My dad wanted me to look like I stepped out of a Land’s End or L.L. Bean catalog. I wasn’t working yet in high school, so they controlled what I wore—and, in a way, who I got to be.
Cacao came into my life in July 2024. And let’s be real—there are plenty of "woo" spiritual things out there. I’ve tried many: breathwork, mushrooms, meditation. Each has offered something different. But cacao was both bumpy and expensive. From the very beginning, when the word "contempt" dropped into my consciousness during my first sit—something deep was being stirred.
In case you missed it, here is my blog post about my cacao experience.
Shortly after that first experience, I went on vacation. And when I came home, I did something bold: I overhauled my wardrobe. I started wearing skirts and dresses, flowy tops that actually felt like me. It was not easy or comfortable but, it was the first time I felt free to express myself with clothing.
That moment cracked open a deeper exploration of self-abandonment. I realized how much of myself I had given away over the years. I’d grown up feeling like I didn’t fit in. Like I was somehow different—but it never felt safe to show it.
Now I know: I am different. I’m wooey. I believe in things many people don’t. My husband is a Christian and makes fun of my beliefs about reincarnation, yet he buys me “witchy” gifts all the time. He sees me, at least.
This work is not a straight line. But it’s mine. And even as I reclaimed more of myself, a new kind of stuckness crept in. And it would lead me somewhere I never expected…
Stay tuned for Part 2: From Cacao to Ketamine — Facing My Stuckness