I'm Not Done With Worrying — But I'm Starting to Understand It
The Shift Begins I’m not done with worrying. But I’m starting to see how it’s not the same as loving. And how it’s not actually helping. And how maybe—just maybe—I can still care just as much without all the tension and anxiety in my chest.
Sometimes it makes more sense to start at the end.
The Catalyst – Ketamine in Utah In July of 2025 I headed to Utah to experience ketamine with a trusted friend. She and her business partner own Connections Ketamine. I had been stuck for many months and felt like I just needed a shortcut to move through the stuck-ness I had been feeling.
When I asked ChatGPT for ways to change your thinking, it offered up mushrooms, blah blah, and ketamine. Ketamine was an immediate yes in my body. I would go and work through why I was not able to get my book completed, why I had not succeeded at launching my coaching business.
But as I have said before, the medicine does not always give us what we want—it gives us what we need.
Through the first three sessions, I felt parts of who I had been slipping away. Connections to my past, my daughter, and so much more that is hard to explain—but I will try in other posts.
As I headed into the fourth session, the medicine moved through my body and I started thinking: “If I don’t care about others so much, does that mean no one cares about me?” The tears poured down my face. I was scared this trip might be really intense, but I had to trust the process. I would see what I needed to see.
I wondered—if I become more selfish and care about me instead of others, does this mean that no one cares about me?
I started to sob.
What Is Caring? What Is Worrying? In our conversations between sessions, Shandell and I had talked about caring vs. worrying. What’s the difference? If I don’t worry about them, does that mean I’m a bad person?
Up until six weeks ago, all I did was worry about other people:
The dog on the show that can’t go outside
Pamela Anderson in her documentary—does she need therapy?
Zoe—Is she getting all she needs from both parents?
The loose dog in the neighborhood. I knocked on the door twice. What if it gets hit? I tried, but maybe the owners are careless. Still, that’s not the dog’s fault.
When someone tells me about someone struggling, I want to reach out and help.
When customers came in and talked about their lives, I genuinely cared how they were doing.
The Conditioning – Where Did This Come From? Where did all this come from?
My mom asks a lot of questions on the phone. The Listening Book says to mention something from the last conversation you had with someone. That left an imprint.
My recent experience with a friend has me wondering how much I should need, care, or depend on others.
What does it look like if I care about me more and depend on others less? This is still a work in progress.
I cannot keep giving to others if they do not give back. I learned this in the car business when people would sit and talk about themselves but rarely ask how I was.
Are people that selfish? Should I be too? What kind of world does that create? What kind of person does that make me if I don’t care about everyone?
As I’ve been trying this on, the feelings leave me conflicted. How many people do I really need in my life?
Husband
Daughter
Granddaughter
Mother
Father
Two sisters
Three friends I can talk to about things
I want deep relationships. But have I not had luck attracting them? I want people to care about me as much as I care about them.
Care vs. Worry – The Energetic Truth Caring is love. Worry is fear.
Caring comes from the heart. It’s grounded. It shows up with open hands and presence.
Worrying comes from the mind. It’s frantic. It holds on tight and tries to manage things that I cannot control.
Caring might sound like: “I’m here for you, and I believe in your strength.”
Worrying sounds more like: “What if something goes wrong? Should I say something? Should I fix this?”
And here's the kicker—worry feels like I’m doing something helpful. But it often creates stress for everyone involved, especially me.
Letting go of worry doesn’t mean I love you less. It means I trust you more. It means I trust life more. It means I trust myself more. (Man this is tough for me.)
Human Design + Past Life Truths Caring vs. Worrying (Energetically and Emotionally):
Caring is present-moment energy. It’s connected to love, compassion, support. It doesn’t need to fix and resolve —it just is.
Worrying is future-based. It’s often tied to anxiety, control, and the fear that something will go wrong. Worrying feels like you're being proactive, but really, it can spin you out of your center, causing tension and anxiety in the body.
When I worry, I’m caught in conditioning—taking on others' anxieties, responsibilities, or energetic pressure. So if I stop worrying, it might feel like: “Who even am I? Am I cold now? Detached? Selfish?”
And that’s where the reframe is needed: You're not becoming less loving—you're becoming less burdened. And you're realizing you can love someone without worrying about them all the time.
I spent years confusing worry with care. Worry looked like overthinking, over-helping, over-giving. Care was quieter, calmer. It stays close without trying to control. But I didn’t trust that at first. I thought if I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t loving enough, not good enough, even not “nice” enough.
It’s in my Human Design to see what others need. I have a defined Head and undefined Root, which means I often take on pressure from others and try to solve their problems—even when I’m not invited.
My South Node in Libra means I’ve spent past lifetimes focused on caring for others, keeping the peace, and defining myself through relationships. I learned how to compromise, support, and smooth things over—but sometimes lost my own voice in the process.
In this life, I’m here to follow my own instincts, take bold action, and trust that I don’t need permission to lead. Ugh, that feels scary and selfish…..
Everyday Practice and The Ongoing Work I wish I could say ketamine “cured” my need to care for and worry about everyone else. I was doing better. But yesterday, when I asked my husband if he wanted me to make his coffee, and then asked something else, he snapped, “I’ve been taking care of myself for 40 years.”
That hurt. I was just trying to help. (He came back and apologized and said he loves that I take care of him.)
But it’s also an opportunity for me to stop and remember: others can take care of themselves.
This is still a work in progress. I’m still loving. Still caring. But I’m learning how to stop worrying. And that’s a big shift.
I’m not here to carry the world’s problems. I’m here to care deeply, respond when life invites me, and show up with power—not pressure.
I still care. But I’m letting the worry go.