Taking Ownership: From Victimhood to Accountability
When my parents separated, I was about 16 years old. Later, my dad would marry someone who had not been married before or had children and preferred to pretend that my sister and I did not exist. We were no longer welcome in our own home.
For many years after leaving home, every time something happened in my life that made me sad, it became my parents’ fault. If they had not gotten divorced, I would not have to be living on my own, paying my own rent, dealing with life’s inconveniences.
If my parents were still together, I would have the safety and comfort of their home to go to when one of my friends blew me off, not sitting in my lonely apartment. So much anger and so many tears filled these years where I felt I was the victim of my circumstances.
Prior to stepping into the family car business, I watched from afar and swore that I would never be involved in it. I did not want to listen to people tell stories about how and why they could not make their car payments. Over the course of the 7 or so years that I did run the business, I came to see that the people who had the most trouble with their lives and their finances were the people who felt that life was out to get them and that they had no control over their circumstances. They were always the victim.
When I took over the car business, I also became a boss for the first time. When something would go wrong, an employee would make a mistake, I was quick to get mad and look to assign blame. The fact is that if we messed up someone’s payment, causing a disruption in their cash flow, it does not matter who's to blame; it just needed to be fixed. As the boss, that responsibility ultimately fell on me. At some point, I stopped looking for someone else to blame. I was the face of the company, and if something went wrong because someone was not trained, or their head was not in the game that day, I was the one who had to accept full responsibility for the mistake. I started to step up and do just that. It became strangely liberating to just own that fact.
At the time of this writing, someone in my life has just gotten fired. Let’s call them Davey. One of my personal sayings is that in every situation there are two sides to the story, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. So, I do not know the “truth,” but here is what I know so far.
Davey was fired because his company wanted him to step up and into the next role in the company. Davey felt that management did not support him enough when it came to his current crew, so he just decided not to step up. As is management’s right, they have fired Davey and promoted someone in the crew.
Should Davey blame the company? Will that help him get his next job?
Here are two quotes that I love: John C. Maxwell once said, “People who blame others for their failures never overcome them. They simply move from problem to problem. To reach your potential, you must continually improve yourself, and you can't do that if you don't take responsibility for your actions and learn from your mistakes.” “When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.” – Eckhart Tolle
Personally, I chose not to complain and blame. As the boss, I owned every mistake, improving our processes so that the errors would not occur again. I communicated more clearly with my employees, offered more training, wrote up SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures), and rules to improve the day-to-day operations.
The situation with my parents’ divorce took years to move beyond, but eventually, I looked back and realized that my parents’ divorce and the aftermath made me the resilient person I am today.
Davey has an opportunity to learn and grow. Who will he be in his next job? How will he show up? Blaming, complaining, and playing the victim serves no one and get us nowhere.
Is there somewhere in your life that you are currently not taking responsibility for the situation but instead complaining to others about it? It’s time to step up and become a better version of you.