What Zoe at Three is Teaching Me!

How a Three-Year-Old Became My Latest Spiritual Teacher

If you’ve read my work, you know I talk often about personal wounding. We all have some. Our parents didn’t do anything wrong. The people we grew up with and around didn’t do anything wrong. As painful as our lessons can be, our job is to listen, notice, and learn.

Lately, Zoe’s actions have been hitting some of those same tender places in me. They make me feel angry, unwanted, even unloved in the moment, even though I know that is not her intention. She’s three. She has no idea what she’s activating in me. But she does bump up against some of my old wounds, and when that happens, it can pull me into reactions I’m not proud of… wanting to withdraw, ignore her, or make her understand she’s hurting me. And she can’t. She’s three.

I’ve carried these wounds since childhood, places where I felt uncared for, not seen, or not important, and while it would be easy to blame family or fall into the old victim story, I won’t.

This is my lesson, my challenge, my cosmic agreement.

Life keeps giving me opportunities to meet these places in myself and heal them from the inside out.

And Zoe… she is my latest teacher.

Zoe, My Mirror

Then boom, my granddaughter, my greatest joy, turned 3.

In “the work,” you get to these points where you think you’ve figured something out. You’ve healed, grown, integrated. Maybe you even feel like you can rest for a minute. Sometimes you can, but rarely for long, not if you’re paying attention.

Zoe turned 3 in September, and as many parents know, the “terrible 2’s” are nothing compared to the “challenging 3’s.”

The word I use to describe Zoe is determined. Turning 3 turned the volume all the way up.

She is a Scorpio Sun: deep feelings, strong-willed, laser-focused when she wants something, magnetic then distant, instinctual and perceptive. Scorpio women have always been a struggle for me, people I’ve been uncomfortable around, people who trigger a stomachache or tension in my body.

No surprise: she is here to teach me.

The Triggering

Zoe being 3 is triggering all kinds of emotions and old wounds in me. As I sit here writing this, I’ve already cried three times.

Three-year-olds bring boundary testing, emotional extremes, attachment switching, and clinging to the parent they see the most. Her mother gets the sweetness most often. With me, the sweetness switches on and off without warning.

When I walk in the door, I never know who I’ll get. I’m excited to see her, she often hides her face or turns away. It’s normal behavior, but for someone with my history, it hits with surgical precision.

Sunday we (Zoe, Toria and I) all went on a Polar Express Train Ride. It was lovely and fun. Zoe was happy, then mad, then excited, then had a meltdown because she couldn’t hold the photo we bought. At one point, she looked me directly in the eyes and boldly said:

“NO.”

I felt rejected.

I felt unchosen.

It hit the deepest place in me.

Here come the tears again.

I want to be the one she’s excited to see, the one she runs to, the one she melts into. I want her to choose me like she did six months ago. When I got home, part of me didn’t even want to see her again until she’s “past this phase,” which is painful to admit.

But I must acknowledge my feelings.

That’s where the shift begins.

The Morning After - Remembering My Tools

Monday morning, after a good night’s sleep, everything I study and practice rose back to the surface. These four quotes came to me like a reminder, guiding me back to myself:

“Don’t take anything personally.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

“The shadow is never wrong; it shows you where to grow.” – Richard Rudd, Gene Keys

“Your presence is your power.” – Eckhart Tolle

“Noticing is the first step to transformation.” – Lisa F. Dugger

These are the tools I’m using to move through this phase of Zoe’s development.

THE FOUR TOOLS - HOW I USE THEM IN THE MOMENT

1. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY (Ruiz)

Say silently: “This isn’t about me.”

Imagine: Her emotions staying in her body, not entering mine.

Repeat: “She is three. This is development, not rejection.”

This helps me step out of the old wound of feeling unchosen and back into reality: this is her developmental storm, not a personal attack.

2. THE SHADOW SHOWS WHERE TO GROW (Richard Rudd)

When I feel the sting, rejection, hurt, feeling unchosen, I remind myself: “This is my shadow, not her intention.” Then I:

• Notice where in my body the wound lights up (chest, stomach, throat).

• Treat that sensation as a signal, not a threat.

She is not hurting me, she is illuminating what’s ready to heal.

3. YOUR PRESENCE IS YOUR POWER (Tolle)

I use a fast grounding ritual (10–20 seconds):

• One slow inhale, one slow exhale

• Shoulders down

• Say internally: “I choose the energy here.”

Three-year-olds match nervous systems — not words. When I ground, she softens faster.

4. NOTICING IS THE FIRST STEP TO TRANSFORMATION (Lisa F. Dugger)

I practice noticing:

• “I’m getting triggered by her energy.”

• “My body is tightening.”

• “This is my old wound being activated.”

The moment I notice, I interrupt the old pattern. Noticing gets me out of reaction and into choice. When I ask the Kabbalah question, “Why is this in my movie?” I stop being the victim and step back into being the student. Again and again, I choose to grow.

The Decision

Just deciding that I was not going to let myself play the victim or fall into old patterns made the difference. My energy shifted. I chose to be different going forward. We had a snow day and Toria and Zoe came over. Zoe and I played downstairs and she ate all of my grape tomatoes. There were no challenging moments.

Until we got in the car.

She was mad about her coat being tight in the car seat. She hasn’t felt well and things started to melt down. Tears flowing down her face, arms crossed, and I knew this was my moment to choose differently. From the front seat, I looked at her with kindness. I didn’t touch her; I didn’t speak. I let her work through her feelings. I looked away from her and looked forward in the car. She looked at the book Toria gave her. She moved from “I don’t like this book” to “I see the presents.” It all took about 60 seconds but I was steady and calm. (My tools worked.) When I looked back, she smiled at me from ear to ear.

And I was so happy.

I had weathered one of her storms.

I wasn’t hurt.

I didn’t abandon myself.

I let her soothe herself.

And we both came out happy on the other side.

When Zoe and Toria came to the office today, Zoe ran to me and hugged my legs.

Sometimes it is that simple.

We choose something different — and the people and circumstances around us change.

Easy? Sometimes.

Always worth it? Yes.

Do you have a situation you’re unhappy with?

What can you shift in yourself today that changes everything?