THE WALL: PART TWO
By the time I finished this wall, three lessons had become crystal clear:
Everything takes longer than you think.
AirPods do not mix with masonry.
My intuition will nag me until I listen.
Simple, right? You’d think. But I had to learn each of these the hard way with this project, stone by stone, day by day.
As I stepped back to admire my work, I was happy and proud. But I also noticed that one of the rocks on the top layer of the wall hung out a little too far. Just like me to criticize myself but to also be aware that I was doing it in the moment!! It was done, it had taken me way longer than I “thought” it would. I thought I would be able to bang out repairing the retaining wall in the back of my house in about a week, weather permitting. Here I was over a month later, it was getting colder, so I had finished it just in time. My personal attention span for concentrated work is about 90 minutes. Little did I know that rebuilding this wall would require concentration. Fitting rocks together as one can imagine is like completing a jigsaw puzzle. You look at the space, you grab what might fit, you wiggle it around, wrong piece or rock you try another one.
I also listen to podcasts most of the day, it can keep my brain busy and sometimes calms my nervous system. The wall was having none of that. I would pop in the AirPods and get to work. The pieces wouldn’t fit, could not get a groove going. My mind and body felt scattered or unable to concentrate. The AirPods had to come out. The wall required my undivided attention. And it is not just the wall. Lately I have been called to take out the AirPods as I workout, as I drive home. Be present, Lisa. My body was telling me, through anxiety, to just be in the moment. Enjoy doing what you love, in the moment. Once the AirPods were out I was able to find the right pieces and get into a groove. But, sadly this did only last for about 90 minutes at a time. Then I would have to stop, clean up the wheelbarrow, masonry remnants and tools and walk away for the day. Sometimes for days. I still have to go to work and do other things.
There is an attention thing here but also a rhythm. My design as a manifesting generator means my energy has ebbs and flows. There is no forcing the motivation or the inspiration. I must stop and listen to it, give it what it wants. And in this case “it” was the wall!! Working on the wall involved finding 5–6 stones to lay together then mixing the sand and the mortar. Laying it before the mortar dried up in small batches. Mortar has its own timeline too, too slow the mortar dries and is useless. Move too fast and the inspiration does not come. It becomes force which does not serve me.
This underlying anxiety or nudge from my intuition has been getting louder. Driving my body felt uneasy; when I asked what it wanted, “be in the silence.” Walking in the morning, again the unease in my body pushed me to take out the AirPods, let my mind wander where it wanted to. Again, the wall was a reminder to connect to my intuition which has been trying to get my attention more and more. I like learning new things and hearing about what is happening in the world. No AirPods, no learning. But ok, that is what my intuition wants.
The wall wanted that too…
The work was in dribs and drabs. It rained for days keeping me away. Some days I couldn’t make the rocks fit, but there was still mortar in the wheelbarrow, I had to keep going. Step back, take a breath and keep going. This was the hardest part, working with what the weather or my mind and body gave me to work with that day. It just had to be. So it took time and rhythm. Some days lifting the enormous rocks by myself (Virgo rising) was really annoying and my body was tired. A few days I was able to stay at it for 4–5 hours. Those days it felt like pure alignment, moments that are rare and satisfying!! The ones we seek but cannot force. As I do, I was sharing the journey on social media. A week without a post and people got curious and reached out, “how is the wall coming?” They were my little cheerleaders but in the past this also could have felt like pressure to get it going and done. They might think I was a slacker. But they are not hard on me, I am!! But I know better. I had to do this slowly, listening to my body and my intuition. There was no force or pushing, just whatever speed I was able to move at. This wall was a practice, a reminder for who I am becoming. But I also had a deadline as the mortar guy says, get the outside work done “before Thanksgiving,” this is when it becomes too cold for the mortar to properly cure. And, I made that deadline with two weeks to spare. This was a miracle honestly. Of course I had no doubt I could actually get it done, but it took longer than I thought, it was more annoying than I anticipated. Who knew it would have to be done AirPod and podcast free. Silence being the real “tool” that I needed. Man does doing something hard and something that most people would farm out (and I do farm out plenty of things) feel rewarding and make me proud of myself. I can feel proud for me and not look for others to be like “good job.” In my past I have been all about the praise, now it is about me, the lesson and the growth. There really is a lesson in every moment and if we don’t take our AirPods out and listen we just might miss it.
As I went to put the wheelbarrow into our detached garage/shed I saw an f’ing squirrel climb into the damaged, failing soffit work on the shed. That’s gonna have to wait until the spring. Life always gives us more opportunities to grow if we can embrace them and not turn them into “why is it always something.” With this under my belt I am even more confident in the fact that I can learn how to repair soffits. Or maybe farm that out to my guy Wesley Mulpas if need be!!